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Self portrait in Trastevere

Preventive Mainrtenance

I think the universe is sending me a message (see previous post). I've decided it's about maintenance of machines. Not machines in general, but a particular machine. The most important machine in my life. My body. I'm renewing my focus on its maintenance.

I ran again today for the first time in 19 days. That's the biggest gap in years. I always feel better and have more positive energy on days I run. And it's not just about the body. I check out the world I live in when I run.

Last time I ran, there were 14 white swans on the lake. Today I saw that the eagles are back, in their favorite tree. The beavers have been doing maintenance on their home and dam. The running is about checking into that larger world outside of me that's been here since before me, will be here when I'm gone and within which I'm a spec of dust.

Somehow I've been letting my work "obligations" get in the way of preparing my mind and body for the enjoyment of the work. I also overdid the alcohol, noticably, last week. Done with that for awhile.

I know I go through cycles where my willingness to listen to the messages I recieve are masked by something in my own consciousness -- stubbornness, pride, ego, whatever it is. When that inability or unwillingness to listen become too great, the messages get louder, until I once again pay attention. I think my hearing is getting better in general, but I just had to stop and listen this week.

I realized (again) today that I need to be more careful with this, my favorite machine. I will get old one day -- if I listen to the signs and give it the care it needs.

Attending to Karma

Alice says I need to work on my Karma. I don't know exactly where I've gone wrong. I've been thinking that I'm listening to my Tango partners better in the dance lately. All the comments I get are positive (well, except Monday).

I think I'm attending to the things in life that matter. Maybe the garden needs more attention. I know there is springtime work to be done and I'm a bit behind. But with snow still coming down, it seems easy to put off.

I'm being really good at work. I'm working hard. I'm nice to everyone. I'm respectful, thoughtful. Well the random acts of kindness could be boosted a bit I guess.

I haven't spent time in the garage making anything. I did get the saw motor rewound some months ago and have only used it once since -- to make the overdue shelves in the laundry room. So maybe that's it. Maybe I just need to spend time tinkering.

Something is definitely going on. I have to acknowledge it as being unusual. I will continue to deal with these things calmly, as they occur. I just have to write down what's been happening.

In the last few weeks. . .

• The truck quit running. Fortunately there are still some folks around who work on carburetors. And this is the second time I've had the Holly 4 barrel rebuilt in it's 38 year life.
• The old laptop with the music on it quit playing sound. I think it's hardware, I've quit trying to fix it.
• A dishwasher has died -- I had it replaced while I was out of town by a company that does such things.
• The car is leaking water -- after having a new radiator installed less than a year ago. We add water (and sometimes antifreeze) occasionally. Still need to take it to the shop. I don't fix cars much any more.
• Two washing machines have died. I bought new ones and and installed them.
• A water heater started leaking and I replaced it.
• The furnace quit working. I replaced the igniter.
• The hard drive with all my photos failed. I haven't yet tried to see if anything is recoverable
• Now the power steering pump on the car is growling. Ok. I'll take it to the shop again.

Chris says sacrificing a chicken might be the answer. At least we'd have chicken for dinner.

ps Now this is a bit strange. I come home for work with the intention of writing this stuff down. I have a bit of cheese. Talk about how was the day. Write it. Then read Elizabeth's blog and discover that the reason Chris suggested sacrificing a chicken was because E wrote the same blog entry.

I think careful navigation is in order in this life at this time.

Tango changed my brain

I became aware the other day that I am beginning to respond differently to the world in a way that I believe has been shaped by (or enabled by) my recent years of dancing Tango. I was standing at the elevator at work (a friendly, but somewhat impersonal place, with everyone quite focused on their own realm of the business). Someone whose name I could not remember came out of the elevator. Instead of just saying hi, or waiting for that embarrassing delay for the brain-table lookup. I just said hi Sally. I don't know where in my brain that name came from. I was surprised to hear myself say it. I was impressed that it came out right, not thought about, and unfiltered.

Because of the way my brain works, with facts, numbers, definitions, logic all fitting together well for me, I've rarely said things that just seemed right, without verifying and knowing I could back them up. Oh, there's always been some playfulness, tossing out random thoughts just to see where they land, but clearly presented with my tongue planted firmly in cheek, just in case.

This is about responding to the world instantaneously from somewhere totally honest and not rational. But with confidence that it's not irrational. I believe it is truly a new set of pathways in my brain. I'm sure many people have such pathways fully wired and serving them full time. It's just a new thing for me.

When I heard myself say hi Sally and realized that it had come from a different part of my brain, I recognized that part of my brain. It was that part of my brain that allows me to respond to music and partner in the realm of Tango. It may be a stretch, but I don't think so. It's something akin to the left-brain, right-brain distinction that is often made. I think I've had access to both sides, but one has always been held in check and filtered by the other.

In the pursuit of Tango I have been resistant to (or lazy about) the rational learning of vocabulary and development of structure, a sort of formality of training that is certainly necessary to growth and development as a lead. Instead, I have simply enjoyed the music, the connection, the pleasure of simply moving through space with a partner in response to the music. It is at once universal and unique to that time, that space, and that relationship. That pursuit seems pure to me.

I am beginning to enjoy Tango more because I'm able to give reign to that part of my brain that doesn't filter, rationalize, structure, justify the patterns of movement. I know there is significant discipline required to be good at it. I know there is a lot more training necessary to make both sides of the brain work together as well as development of muscle memory, and connections among all those things in order to achieve the higher levels of joy that I see possible in the dance. I'll get there.

But the point here is that this engagement of Tango is having an impact outside of Tango. It's not just saying hi Sally at the elevator. It could be simply stated as trusting my instincts. It's really more than that. It's Malcolm Gladwell's thinking without thinking as described in Blink. I've always believed in it. I'm now seeing it in my response to life. And I think it's because of Tango.

Tango has certainly changed my life. Sometime, I want to describe how my role as leader has changed in my work because of Tango. But that's better saved for a time when I don't have work to do (before going to this evening's milonga).